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If Eyes Could Talk

Here's What They'd Say

—Hello there.

—Gack! Agh! Uh, me?

—Yes. You. Hi.

—Wow! Um, hi. This is embarrassing—I'm supposed to be paying attention to this other woman I'm dancing with right now, but my genetic hardwiring makes that impossible. My concentration on her is momentarily ruined. I would be apologizing to her except you are so.... You are very...uh...well...words fail me. ….Hiii....

….Just checking: seriously me? I mean, this is you we're talking about. Really, really me?

—Yes. Really, really you.


[Pause of about an hour of the wrong music playing. Finally, the right tanda.]

It is now time.

—I'm feeling brave. Let me just stealthily see if I can catch your...ohmygosh! I think you're looking at me! Are you looking at me?

Yes. I am looking at you.

You know I have a penis in these pants, right?

Yes. That's why I'm looking at you.

I just want to be sure it's really me you're looking at and not one of these many other guys standing right next to me. Because that would be embarrassing.

Yes. You are the one to whom I grant access.


[On the long fraught walk of struggle to win Fair Lady's heart, if that's the part we're talking about.]

—The suspense of having to work for your favours is agonizing. I love it.

—Yes, you are doing a wonderful job slaying those dragons right and left. I am impressed by your prowess. I am indeed an incredible prize. You will probably be lucky and win the prize. But don't be too sure of yourself. Anything could happen between now and twenty feet from now. You're going to have to work for it all the way.

[Upon arrival]

Oh my God, I made it through the barbarous wasteland fraught with peril. I am exhilarated by my quest. Look at you. You are even more...uh...something...than you were before. I very much want to, um.

This is very exciting. And real. I know what we're talking about. We're talking about That.

Yes, we're talking about That. The prospect of taking you in my arms fills me with the overwhelming need to talk about That.

Me too. ….I like everyone to enjoy a little frisson of power games, that's why I'm still sitting down for this split second more. It makes you feel even more proud of yourself for catching such a prize, it reminds you that you had better really bring your game if you're going to touch me, and I personally enjoy the feeling of everyone holding their breath while their hearts are pounding with anticipation. And now, at exactly the right moment, watch this. It will make your knees weak, so brace yourself: I'm going to stand up and we will introduce ourselves and our bodies will touch for the first time.

[She stands up. They smile.]