Too many hard words are springing to my conscience, as I reflect on the three years that recently came to an end. Your experience will not be mine! But mine was so full of experiences that now just make me *angry*. So angry that people would treat me as they did. So angry that I allowed them to. So angry that this was a world where even the notion of hoping for better was quickly beaten out of me.
So full of words like...degrading, dehumanizing, demeaning, humiliating, cheapening, cruel, heartless, callous, boorish, crass, entitled, self-obsessed, inhumane....
How could I possibly have allowed life to happen as it did?
Oh right. I wanted a hug.
No, I mean, I wanted a REAL hug.
But I couldn't have it, so I settled for an endless series of titrations of real. And now I see that...the titrations, the 1% solutions carried in a conduit of crap, were incredibly poisonous for me. They did, after all, almost kill me. ....It was like taking a starving child and feeding it cotton candy laced with cocaine and broken glass.
I longed to share. I longed to hear and be heard. I longed to cuddle and be together and develop meaningful relationships based on shared interests and common viewpoints and a love for life. I longed for bonds, and roots, and community, and love. I longed for reciprocity and communing. I longed for my voice to be listened to and valued for what it was. I longed to be inspired by others' valuable voices.
I longed for levity, for gaiety, for hope, and for lightness. I longed for laughter. I longed for pretty party frocks and special parties and the sense of having a place to be, where I was expected, and missed if I wasn't there. I longed for an end to loneliness, and the sparkle of human excitement.
I longed to be held by someone I loved, who loved me.
I guess I can keep longing a while longer.
Vissi d'Arte. Puccini. La Callas.